on my mind | september 2016

I’m going to start a new section in my blog (yup, another one), where I’m literally just going to talk about whatever’s been on my mind, a brain dump if you will. I think I was kind of iffy about starting this because people in my day-to-day life are aware of the existence of this blog, and I didn’t want things that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with some of those people in real life to somehow creep into their life via this blog. But then again, I thought, fuck it, live a little, what are they gonna do? Judge me? Plenty of that happens without me giving them a reason to, and seriously, sometimes you just gotta not think about everything that’s supposedly reasonable and logical and just do it because your heart is telling you to, something that I’m working very hard on myself.

So what has been on my mind?  It’s a hard feeling to explain, but I’ll give it a go. My mind has been all over the place, but at the same time, there are some sort of clarity that I have never felt before. I don’t want to put anything concrete down as of yet, because I am uncertain about some of those things myself, and I feel like typing it out would just make it seem more real than it actually is.

The most prominent thing is that I realised how vulnerable every single individual is, and how the smallest thing can actually have a ripple effect, something that I never really put that much thought into before. I think that’s the thing, we hear all these terms and phrases being thrown around, ripple effect for example, but it’s hard for us to put our life on pause for just a second, and realise what those things actually mean, to society as a whole, and to us as individuals.

And that leads to the next thing, how becoming conscious of something changes it completely. Change might be the wrong word, but I’m sticking with it. Once the awareness is there, you see it everywhere. A simple example of this, which I’m pretty sure I first heard in year 11 psychology, is that when you start to wear glasses, you realise how many people that walks by you everyday is wearing glasses. Another instance where something similar occurs is when you first develop a crush on someone, and then you start seeing them everywhere. I don’t know the scientific explanation behind this, but it stands true also for things that aren’t exactly physical, things that are more akin to ideas, at least for myself.

I’ve said this before so sorry if you’re sick of hearing it, but I love birthdays, my own especially. Call me narcissistic or whatever other term you want, I really couldn’t care less (ha, the irony), I’ve never really delved into why I love birthdays, and that’s not what I’m about to do right now. Anyway, the point is, I celebrated my 22nd birthday last Saturday, and the events that occurred around that time has had an unexplainable effect on me, mostly mentally, and I don’t know if this is just a phase that I’m in, or if this is the new me, but one step at a time, I’ll take things as they come.

My best friend advised me to start keeping a diary, but I don’t know, that’s just such a foreign idea to me, and I feel like putting pen on paper would make things even more concrete, definitely too concrete for my liking, so I think this is the outlet I’m going to use, and we’ll see how things go from here.

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